Not to Think, Not to Exist (Found Poem)

Then,

I said good-bye,

and I drove home.

I read the book again

that night

because I knew that if I didn’t,

I would probably

start crying again.

The panicky type,

I mean.

I read until

I was completely e

x

h

a

u

s

t

e

d

and had to go to sleep.

In the morning,

I finished the book and then

started immediately reading it again.

Anything to not feel like crying.

Because I made the promise

to Aunt Helen.

And because

I don’t want to start

thinking again.

Not like I have

this last week.

I can’t think again.

Not

ever

again.

I don’t know if

you’ve ever felt like that.

That you wanted to sleep

for a t h o u s a n d years.

Or just not exist.

Or just not be aware

that you exist.

Or something like that.

I think wanting that is

very morbid, but

I just want it

when I get like this.

That’s why I’m trying i

not to think. p n

I just want it all to stop s n

g i

n

If this gets any worse,

I might have to go back

to the doctor.

It’s getting

that bad again.

Love always,

Charlie

Source:

Stephan Chbosky, Perks of Being a Wallflower (1999)